Scarred not Scared

How To Be A Midlife Dad Without Going Postal: A Manual

Tuesday, December 12, 2006


can be so hard when there is pain.
Wrenching wracked wrecked.
Desire to damage, but making myself hurt
won't change anything.
Redemption with a past? Despite the past?
The scorch of learning, seeing clearly
but maybe too late.
The crunching pain of new uncertainty.
Smile despite the lie.
Sleep under the blanket of Depression the Medicant.

Oh, and the blog title above?
Complete lie. Scared shitless,
a mass of wormy nerves whose
hunger never dies,
feeding on confidence and hope.
Devouring, denying, descrying.
Afraid yet walking, some talking
Less sleep and food.
waiting still…

Saturday, December 02, 2006

Going, going…

From my craigslist post:
1966 Imperial Crown Coupe-Gr8 4 Custom or as Classic! - $2500 (Grandview Heights)
Reply to:
Date: 2006-12-02, 10:53AM EST

Have to let go of my dream car. This is a rare (only 2,373 made) 1966 Imperial Crown Coupe; you won't see another pass you on the highway. Made by Chrysler, this car boasts a 440cid engine (the largest version of this block, great for overboring). First sold in NJ, I bought it in PA, and it is now titled in Ohio with less than 25k miles. Sat for years on a farm and the interior shows it: split driver's seat and center bolster, dingy carpet, etc. Decent repaint by prev. owner + minor dings & scrapes. Transmission rebuilt in Summer, 2005. Starts but sounds awful: needs new bearings or a complete rebuild. Many extra parts and 1-yr-only wheel covers. NO TIRE KICKERS OR WANNABES: only interested in hearing from folks who know what a great price this is for an Incomparable car. More info here. Only asking $2500/O.B.O.

* This item has been posted by-owner.
* Location: Grandview Heights
* It's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Deep blackness recedes

A shake of the head, droplets fall. I almost fell in, almost died almost lost it all. Suicide of the heart. The edge pulled, not beckoning more threatening. Was enveloping with nails caressing. How did I get here? Is this my beautiful death? Was that my beautiful love? Fog thick choking refusing air. Pain, doubly doubling over. A scream--was that me? Can I make sounds like that? Shuddering squeeze; no relief. Then light sparks unexpectedly. This can't be: I live? Light's golden glow giving fog shape, form, words. Words bringing me back from the edge? No, the scream. The ripping of my gut/heart/life. I did this. I almost killed it without looking, knowing. Ashes drop, flames recede, cool air lifts my eyes. This pain friend forges anew, steel steaming as it cools. A thumb on the honed edge reminds of the edge, the deep eternal failure of regret. For now, at arm's length, but waiting.

The abyss is my friend, failure my savior:


"One hundred victories in one hundred battles is not the most skillful. Seizing the enemy without fighting is the most skillful." --Sun Tzu

I will not fight, I will bring my enemy my self closer. Knowing is the trigger. I am lifted, scarred not scared. Fear drove the wind through me and I felt its chilling despair. Smile.